killing time.

so it's about one o'clock and i have an audition for the st peter's choir in a half hour. i've lost my key card to get into the college, so i'll have to leave a wee bit early and get a new one. sigh. what can i say? i've been instructed by my mother to banish the word "nervous" from my vocabulary and to fill my head and soul with positive thoughts, and so that is what i have been trying to do since yesterday afternoon. for the most part, it's worked out remarkably well. i really haven't stressed about it at all. though now that it's 26 minutes 'till, i'm starting to think of all the things that could go wrong. but all i keep reminding myself about is how this is something that i love, something that i'm passionate about, something that i need to have in my life. it hasn't been right up till this point: schedules and work and school and classes all got in the way. and now that i've got time on my hands... well, i suppose it's all quite obvious how i feel. i want this. i wonder, too, if i have made far too huge a deal out of it. of course, i don't want to walk in and make a fool of myself. 'twould be sad. but i shall request a bit of a vocal warmup and such... and we'll see where it goes. i'm almost hoping that we can screw bach and just have me sing something else, but again -- we'll see. i just want to be content in the knowledge that i'm actually actively pursuing something that i want, rather than sitting and wondering and thinking and pining. i'm really proud of myself for that, actually. oh, yay! a positive. there's also the fact that the clouds have parted and that the sky is blue and that the sun is shining, even though it still insists upon raining off and on. oh! kenny chesney has just popped up on itunes! ohhhhh.... you know, actually, i think i could use some country music right about now. "young," i think, is the perfect song for my mood right now. wow.... with the blue skies and the sun, this really makes me feel a helluva lot better. so, then. where does this bring me? i'm off to my audition in a few and, for better or for worse, i'm validated in the fact that i'm going for my dreams and doing what i love. after that, i'll probably run to the store and buy some olive oil so i can really start cooking ('cause i had the hall's lasagna for lunch and i totally forgot that i actually don't like it... ick...), and then back here to read a bit of aquinas and review my notes. then it's on to my seminar at 3:30 with bo, who i sat and had a pre-seminar discussion with over lunch (yay! he's fun...). then after that i'll probably do dinner or something. or maybe i'll even make dinner here and work. i've hit 1115 words out of 2000 for my austen paper, so i'm hoping i can finish that up tonight, and then do any edits or whatever on friday before class. and then tomorrow will be devoted entirely to matters of creative writing and fiction, which should be fun. i think a pot of tea and snuggling in bed should be good for that. i might have to shut myself off of the 'net, though -- too distracting. ah, yes. but some classical music and some tea and my teddy bear and my blankets. perfect. somewhere in-between i shall have to also do my laundry, as i am starting to run low on clothes, and i'm trying to be sustainable and not run out to buy new things just 'cause i'm too lazy to do my laundry. and then.... yeah. well then. i shall turn in my membership to the oxford wine society on friday and get all set up for that... lovely! i'm rather happy now; big and rich is playing ("pray for you"... aww...) and i'm off to chase rainbows and pursue my dreams and the like. whoo!

a blustery day...

looking outside my window to the wee garden and old buildings beyond, it seems like a scene out of a.a. milne's imagination, like winnie the pooh and rabbit and kanga might pop out at any moment as the wind gusts through the trees and such. you can totally tell it's winter: the trees are dead, and not a single leaf grows upon them. well, the trees outside my window, that is. but i've at last downloaded the pas de deux from tchiakovsky's nutcracker and it is absolutely gorgeous and magnificent, full of the passion and storminess that i've come to expect from those wonderful romantics. i am, perhaps, in a romantic frame of mind, or at least a gothic one, for i am in the process of writing my first paper on austen's northanger abbey, a satire of the gothic form of novel. amusingly enough, the off-hand jokes and comments she makes remind me a great deal of my gothic favourites: jane eyre, wuthering heights, rebecca. however, in typical austen fashion, she puts them all in their place and reminds you why one should never cling to their foolish illusions.

today, however, is a quiet one, for there are no lectures, no tutorials, no seminars, no colloquiums, and that's a lovely thing. i've finally got my schedule down for classes and such. it goes something like this:

monday (every other): colloquium, 4:30
tuesday (every other): lecture, 4:30
wednesday: seminar, 3:30
thursday: free
friday: tutorial (narrative) 10:00; tutorial (austen) 2:00

it's not a bad way to live one's life, actually. thursdays will be nice, for i can use them to catch up on any last minute writing for my friday tutorials. the tutorials are fairly straightforward. the austen course will look at my beloved authoress's work in chronological order, meaning that there is a book a week and a paper a week (2000 words) due at every meeting. my narrative tutor, frith, has broken down my assignments into three parts: 1) reading some work of fiction and writing a 1 page summation of style and such; 2) a writing exercise in the same tone and vein of the sample work; 3) writing my own anything. ah, such freedom. 'twill be enjoyable. the colloqium only requires one piece of reading (though the reading shall be dense, or so i've been told), so that will be okay, which means that most of my life can be devoted to properly understanding the works of st. thomas. lovely.

perhaps, then, since i am at my leisure, i shall paint a picture of life here at st. michael's hall, living in the renowned and truly ancient city of oxford. i will try to give at least a cursory image of the sort of place this is, and the manner of people who inhabit it. expect a more thorough portrayal, however, after i have been here for a bit longer. this is based solely upon what knowledge i have acquired after 1 week's (!) stay.

the centre for medieval and renaissance studies is housed in st michael's hall on shoe lane (http://www.cmrs.org.uk/oxford_stmichael.asp). it truly is in the heart of the city; to our right lies the clarendon centre, a shopping area with a cafe and a number of stores and boutiques. to our left lies the westgate centre, another shopping area with a grocery store, etc. and, all around us are boutiques and shops and stores and pretty much everything and anything that one could ever need. we are concerned at the moment, however, with the hall itself. one enters through a great wooden door and proceeds up a set of narrow stairs to the landing, where there are a set of mailboxes (or pigeonholes, as philpott would say) for all the students. a hall with administration offices lie to the right; the library and principal's office are to the left. next, one would proceed up another set of stairs to the first landing. to the right is the lecture hall (and beyond the lecture hall is a series of corridors that lead one to more bedrooms, a seminar room, and eventually the computer room); to the left is a small hallway with two bathrooms, one with a shower, and, past another door, three bedrooms, one of which i am currently housed in. 'tis not a floor, per se, but a cluster of bedrooms where we live. it's a quiet one; there are only 6 girls in total here. but the solitude is lovely (though, as the walls are thin, loud exclamations and whooping laughter can be immediately heard), particularly when one is trying to study. however, though my floor-mates are quiet ones, the same cannot be said for the rest of the house.

there is another set of stairs that leads up to the following floor, which is (you've guessed it!) long, narrow, and lined with bedrooms/bathrooms. from this point, one can continue up another set of stairs to the fourth floor of rooms, or turn the corner and proceed up a different set of stairs. this leads to another wing of the house, and if one walks far enough down the narrow corridor, one will find oneself at the laundry, kitchen, dining room and common room areas. whew! it is a twisty sort of place that seems overwhelmingly complicated at first; photos, i think, of this maze of rooms and corridors and halls and stairs will soon have to follow.

the administrator is fiona, a wonderful woman who more or less makes sure that this place is running. then there is mark philpott, who is the senior tutor and in charge of all academic matters. ah, what to say about philpott... he is a sarcastic man with dry, witty english humour. from what the lads tell me, he is constantly making snide remarks about their choice of garment or literary material (though i have had no such contact with him. he likes my earrings, apparently, and that's good enough for me). philpott's lectures are always enjoyable, as he is always sprinkling them with little stories and humorous asides, though he hates tardiness. one boy walked in late yesterday and offered a very quick, 'sorry,' and philpott scowls and mutters, 'you will be.' whoa.... moral of the tale: always arrive to any philpott lecture five minutes early, as he starts right on the dot.

in addition to this cast of characters we have dr. crowe, who is nothing short of completely brilliant. he offered a one hour lecture on the renaissance on tuesday, and by the end i was absolutely convinced of his own intellectual superiority over most of humankind and my own humble thoughts. my notebook is absolutely filled with his words of wisdom, and the thing about it is that he made it look so flipping easy. sigh. these people. crowe is my colloquim leader, which will be quite exciting, for i'll get to sit and discuss with him. wow...

as for my tutors, i haven't had enough interaction with them to pass on my full-scale comments, but there is frith, who i believe i have mentioned, a nice old man with a sense of humour (yay!) who told me to watch 'south american telenovelas' and 'ugly betty' to get ideas for my writing. 'don't be afraid of the corny things,' said he. 'sometimes they offer the best ideas.' val dodd is my tutor for austen, and i've heard some amazing things about her from every USF student who's taken her course, so i'm not too frightened. then we have cross, who wears suspenders and a bow tie and cufflinks, and has got the biggest blue eyes i've seen in my life. he's also just shy of brilliant and speaks in this rapid quick english voice -- not good when i'm trying to wrap my brain around aquinas. but he's absolutely hilarious, so that should make philosophy a little less horrifying and frightening.

i get up in the morning around 8 so that i can be at breakfast when it starts, at 8:30. we'll see how long this routine lasts. from there, i come back to the room and putter about. we've had 9:30 lectures for the past week, but now that those are all over, we'll have to see what becomes of my schedule. val is off in the library studying, and i know that i shall have to find a wee spot of my own. for now, though, the room is a nice, cozy place, particularly while the weather is stormy and a bit unforgiving. a nap, however, i think is on the horizon, as is more writing and studying. i think i will take lunch out, today, perhaps find a quiet cafe where i can get some tea and a sandwich and try my hand at some writing or reading. maybe later i'll iron some of my clothes so that i have things to wear tomorrow and on the weekend. i'd love to do some shopping, but i'm trying to cap the spending so i do not become an impecunious pauper. today, though, will probably be an inside-day, full of more reading and studying and writing and listening to music and relaxing... relaxing is a very good thing. and then, perhaps, i'll go out one of these nights. or something like that.

for now, then, that is all. hopefully photos will make it up sometime soon. oh, and that 'tower of london' bit. indeed. well, i am off to turn in my dirty linen and to (finally) get sheets. yay! off i go...

photos. at least a few.

ah, now then. i thought i would take a moment to post up at least a few photos of a walk i took yesterday down high street, along with queen street, and a photo or two, i think, from cornmarket street, which are all situated right by st. michael's hall. nothing is labelled, for i really didn't take the time to get the names of all the places that i was passing, but thought i would offer just a few snapshots of what the sights are like here. enjoy; more shall follow, including some shots from this past sunday's tower of london trip.

aaaah! i need a drink...

so i just finished my first seminar and i am officially ready to have a breakdown/freak out. i'm taking "seminar 19: christian scholasticism and thomas aquinas." wasn't my first choice; only taking it 'cause i've got to finish up the silly medieval philosophy requirement and, well, this was the only course around that could do it. well, the only seminar, that is, and i really had no wish to take a tutorial where it would be just me and my tutor, blabbing about philosophy for an hour. hah, right. but i digress. walked into my class with my classmate, bo.... who turns out to be my only classmate. our prof is quite entertaining and the like, but this is philosophy, and this is scary stuff. the first question: 'so what do you know about aquinas?' ... blank stare from me. 'um... nothing.' the second question: 'so what do you know about aquinas' life? pool your thoughts between the two of you.' hah. yeah. right. 'and what do you know about the summa theologicae?' uh.... 'right, then. well, let's take a look at the first question, shall we? his first question should call to mind some aristotle... jamila, you've read the metaphysics. can you tell me about them?' 'uh... uh.... actually, it's been about a year and a half since i've read those....' um, right. so it was more or less bo and our prof discussing all of this lovely business and me furiously scribbling notes. though towards the end i suppose it got a wee bit better when we did our line-by-line analysis of the work... but still. sigh. not an auspicious start.

i suppose, though, that i am being overly difficult upon myself. in my defence, it has been over 2 semesters since i last took philosophy; make that ancient philosophy, spring 2005 with walsh. take that back; it's been practically 2 years, and i'm not a philosophy major. philosophy courses require a very deliberate sort of mindset and the like, and while i can sit and analyzes positions of power and, i dunno, systems of oppression, discussing whether or not the existence of god is self-evident really hasn't been a priority. so, to rectify my ignorance (which i'm vaguely ashamed of; 12-odd years of catholic education and i can't offer a word of knowledge on the great figure of st. thomas aquinas), i have requested 3 secondary sources on aquinas, and that shall be my weekend ready. jolly-o. but i do think i need a drink. perhaps a glass of wine. we shall see.

on the upside, i've finished northanger abbey and now i have the task of composing a 2000 word essay devoted to arguing whether or not the novel is "purely a satire on the Gothic novel." again, quite lovely, although a bit of an unimaginative topic. it's okay... i've flagged and taken notes and the like, so i'm sure that i can compose something. it does feel a bit rote, so i shall do my best to insert what i can, where i can. once that is complete, i can launch into boccaccio's the decameron and start thinking about my own tale. none of this is due until friday, however, so maybe i might put it aside for a wee bit and focus on dear ol' aquinas. once again, we shall see.

dinner starts soon and i suppose i'm hungry -- all that brain power and the like. maybe i'll change before i go out. it was sunny today, with blue skies, but i didn't go out like a silly little girl. i thought i would finish reading instead. duty over pleasure, of course. hopefully tomorrow will be just as fine. i have nothing to do tomorrow; no classes, no tutorials, no seminars. however, i have learned that the sociology department is running a lecture series this term, the first entitled, "asynchonicity within dual earner couples: an unequal and negative externality for family time," and to be given this coming sunday, so i'm quite excited about that. the one that i really want to hear, however, is given during third week: division of domestic labor and women's human capital." so, therefore, it seems as though i shall be able to get my fix of sociology while still remaining faithful to my philosophy and literature and the like. loveliness, completely. and then, hopefully, by the weekend i can get out of this room and venture forth into town, perhaps get into a wee bit of a trouble (a wee bit of trouble, so don't fear. knowing me, this would mean finding the museum of modern art or some other such nonsense, or perhaps throwing a frisbee about university parks). anyway. i think i hear people going to dinner, so i think that i shall go forth myself to see what sort of masterpiece (*cough cough*) the lovely dining hall establishment has thrown together. until anon....

and so it begins...

and here i am on the first day of classes. i finally did it. i've been thinking and dreaming and wondering and imagining what it would be like to sing again, what it would be like to perform in an ensemble, and i told myself when i was up at 5 a.m. yesterday morning that, yes, i was going to find a way to do it. i did a lot of thinking yesterday morning at 5 a.m. woke up 'cause i had to use the bathroom and then when i got to bed, decided that it would be far more fun to listen to music and chill, as the alarm would be going off at 7:30 anyway, and so i put on my awesome mix and just laid around and thought.... thought about everything that's happened and everything that lies ahead. and i was thinking about how this is a life-changing experience and the like, but 'twill only be life-changing if i make it so. and then i started thinking about how while i'm here, for the next four and a half months, i want to do everything that i've always wanted to do but never had the opportunity or the time or the chance to do. i want to go to plays, and go to art exhibits, and go to galleries and lectures. i want to hear classical ensembles play and attend lectures. i want to visit huge mansions that are hundreds of years old. i want to get dressed up and go dancing and flirt wildly with silly british boys. most of all, though, i want to write. i want to research. i want to read. and, god almighty, i want to sing.

so i obsessed over life last night and managed to dredge myself into the a mire of my own making, mostly because i was completely exhausted and therefore all my thoughts took a slightly depressing, morbid bent (thanks to all who helped yank me out of it). what i did do, though, is email the head music tutor and ask for an audition.... and this morning I got a response back saying that they will schedule one with me. egads!!! but i did it, and now i'm one step closer to my dream. and yeah. that actually makes me very, very happy.

this morning i had my first initial meeting with my tutor, dr frith, for my narrative class. i'm really excited about it. my first week's assignment is to read a tale from the decameron, offer a one-page analysis of the plot structure. then i am to write my own modern-day tale in boccaccio's style, using a similar structure for my plot. finally, and as always, i get to write a piece of my own. i've got to go through my archives and see what i can dredge up to bring by to him. i'll probably pick a couple of super-short pieces; my myth, perhaps, and maybe that super-short character sketch i wrote in junior year for fontaine's class. and, maybe perhaps i'll be able to find something that i've done in college. dunno. so much of it has been joint writing, and so much of it is super personal.... but we'll see.

the tower of london trip was on sunday and i feel a little lame for not posting anything up, but hey, i've been tired and busy. but i'll try and write a bit of something out, and to post some photos. photos are sorely lacking as i've been too lazy to upload and resize pics.

for now, i think i'm going to cut it short and grab some water. the only drinkable water is upstairs in the kitchen, as the water in the bathrooms and in the sinks in our bedrooms have been softened; can't quite remember the reason why. i have my first lecture for the integral course today at 2:30 from dr crowe entitled, "the renaissance: art, philosophy, and the dignity of man." sounds like a blast. then we're all running to the bodleian library (easily the most amazing looking place on earth) where we shall be sworn in as readers. i'm free for the rest of the day, which is still bizarre to me, so i dunno. i'm thinking that a walk before lunch and a walk after the bodleian would be nice. i'm feeling a bit more rested, so maybe we might even venture out for the evening. who knows? all of this freedom is vaguely weird, but i s'pose i shouldn't get too used to it. the reading load is going to be extensive, and i've got a book to read before my colloquium next week. oh! school supplies. hmm. perhaps i'll go off and buy a few of those. right-o. cheerio, darlings! leave me a comment or two and i shall return the favor...

here i am.

mwah... and so, here i am. i have arrived. it is early on sunday morning, 7:01 to be precise, and i am sitting in the freezing cold computer room at CMRS because my laptop has decided to malfunction. alas. i should perhaps be easier on the device; it can't be easy converting volts of energy and such. only everyone else seems to have electronic devices that function, so it seems slightly unfair that mine do not. but i digress.


i arrived on friday afternoon, a little after one. a blow-by-blow description of the journey shall be spared the reader; let us just say that it was quiet and uneventful for the most part, save for all sorts of internal fears and worries and anxieties, and suitcases that were heavier than any human being should ever have to carry. but little of that matters now (though i am still sore from my "wee house on wheels," as senior tutor dr. philpott has termed them). i am here, i am settled, i am safe and relatively happy. yesterday was the first of our orientation stuff: information on using the library here (made me insanely excited like the nerd that i am -- i want classes to start!), along with information on the computer room (which i am coming to appreciate with every passing moment that i sit here), and then a bit of a walking tour. this city is amazing. don't know where to start with it. it seems so quiet and quaint and ancient, so antique-like and unassuming, though philpott assures us -- and warns us -- that it is a large city with all of a city's problems: homelessness, poverty and the like, which intrigues me as a sociology major and a san francisco native. curious too was the admonition to not give money to panhandlers on the street; the UK has a good social service welfare state, philpott informed us, and apparently those who live on the streets here in oxford really are drunks and drug dealers, and may give us a difficult time. fair enough. won't argue with that wisdom. but, however, i will say that i did notice a bit of wealth/class difference, just from the bus ride into town. granted, i was on the edge of my seat with frantic worry that i'd miss my stop (wasn't just the fact that he was English, it was the fact that he couldn't bloody enunciate; even the two old british ladies sitting across from me couldn't understand a word), but i did note that the style of homes and such seemed to go up as we got into the city centre, where i am located. 'twill be something to explore during my next weeks here; there's an oxfam down the block, and i'm kicking around the idea of doing some volunteer hours, if only to see what service opportunities are like, to learn a bit more about the city, and to find out about its people. and, dunno, maybe it's because i'm a soc major and because i work of a service-learning centre, but i do feel a trifle uncomfortable with the power dynamic that i represent: middle-class American with the means to study at Oxford, one of the premier institutions of higher learning in the world. it's a strange thing, having nationality to contend with now in my lens of intersectionality -- as if i didn't have enough to think of, lol. but that is a discussion best saved for another time.


my first day here was an absolute blur; i was too exhausted, really, to form a decent sentence, let alone retain information (although i do remember a surprising amount about that homelessness discussion...). the next day, saturday, was a bit easier. i slept a full 12 hours (when do i ever do that?) and then went downstairs to grab a bite to eat from a bakery across the way with my roomie, Val. then, we came back in for our first round of orientation things. the walking tour, though, was the highlight, because we wandered around a bit, browsed through shops, stopped in for a sandwich, and then went off to buy a few groceries and much needed items. until the oxford term starts (in a week or 2, i believe), we're on our own for meals on weekends, so we stocked up on the essentials: bread and pb&j and tuna, spinach and tomatoes and such. i'll probably venture out again sometime today so i can grab a few extra things, though i'll have to take care to do it early: everything closes around 5 on Sundays. but then we found a lovely store called primark where everything is super cheap and inexpensive, though cute (thank god, 'cause this exchange rate is gonna KILL me), and i also bought myself a snazzy new teapot, the first of my room decorations (£5, too. a steal, 'cause it was originally £22.). ah, yes, the room! it's long, i suppose you could say. my bed, nightstand, and closet are on one end, and then it stretches out. Val's closet is at the foot of my bed, and in turn, her bed is on the other side of her closet. Across from her bed is my desk and a sink; at the end of the room is her desk and a window that looks out onto the street. it's not bad, really, but we each have these hideous corkboards that must be decorated soon or else i shall perish. but there is a fabric store, like, around the corner (literally. everything is so close), and they're having a sale, so once i get some time on my hands, i'll be off to browse. perhaps i'll go early this morning...


today is our first field trip to the tower of london. we leave at 10:45, but before we go, i need to run to curry's digital (where apparently they don't train their saturday staff; wish someone had told me that before i bought the wrong adaptor) to return my merchandise, then i need to run over to the westgate shopping centre because i saw a computer store inside and i still need an ethernet cable, even if my laptop isn't running (one can hope and wish and dream, right?).... and then it is back home to have a spot of breakfast (although i might go looking for tea at the market) and to dress before we head to london. whee. i should write all of this down so i don't forget...

tomorrow will be our first lecture for the integral course -- something about philosophy and art and the dignity of man, which sounds terribly intriguing (really. no joke. this stuff totally makes me happy), and then our first seminar... and then we also will have an orientation at st. peter's so we can learn about their facilities and the like. sigh. i should get going so i can.... obsess over my laptop a wee more or something of the sort. i wonder what time the stores open...

hopefully the next time i post, i'll be doing so from the (warmth) and comfort of my room. sigh. everyone, cross your fingers for me!

to a rocket i've been tied/i'm ready for that screamin' ride...

barely even two days left before i leave home for god know's what, and i'm in my room packing. i've been blissfully trying to ignore most everything still left to do to prepare, but... sigh. five o'clock came and i figured i should start doing something, so here i am, putting all of my coats into my borrowed suitcase from my grandfather and wondering if everything will fit. and as i'm sitting and folding, pulling sweaters and shirts and such from the clean clothes basket that i've finally fished out of the garage after a week of sitting in there, big and rich pop up onto my itunes and start blaring their country loveliness. only today there are no twanging fiddles and proclaimations to 'save a horse, ride a cowboy.' no, at this moment 'leap of faith' pops up, and now i can't stop listening to it because it's so bloody perfect. let's start a bit of a line-by-line analysis.

i put myself on a limb
and i feel it giving way from the weight of the rain.
if i break or i bend
i get myself together again
put my face to the wind

(i am sitting in a precarious position, preparing for a situation and an experience that i know virtually nothing about. i am walking straight into a black hole, it seems; i may succeed or i may fail, but either way, i'm diving into it head-on)

it might be a long, long way
to my golden day
that's a chance i'm willing to take
there's no chain, no cage
that i won't break
in this long, long leap of faith

(hard work and difficult times may lay ahead of me but there is truly nothing that can hold me back from achieving success because i will fight my way to get to it. and there's no way that any one can try and cage me in their little boxes, because no matter what, i will prove them wrong)

i close my eyes
and i walk right to the edge
throw my hands to the sky
oh, and i'm not afraid
i'm not afraid to live this life
through my dreaming eyes

(my dreams are everything. i have dreamt of this trip for years now, literally. as soon as i was accepted to usf i started sketching out a tentative schedule of courses to make sure that i would have at least a semester set aside to run the english countryside... and here i am, practicall there)

it might be a long, long way
to my golden day
that's a chance i'm willing to take
there's no chain, no cage
that i won't break
in this long, long leap of faith

to a rocket i've been tied
i'm ready for that screamin' ride
it's full of fuel but i've just lit the fuse
i'm a ragin', burnin' ring of fire
and i get hotter as i get higher
and i'm tearin' a hole right through the sky of blue

(and here john and kenny move me to tears with their impassioned fervor. i'm getting ready to take off on a rocket that might explode with me on the back of it, but baby, i am going to fly far and fly high, 'cause that's just my way...)

(cue screaming electric guitars and a bit of twanginess)

no, there's no chain, no cage
that i won't break
in this long, long leap of faith
in this long, long leap of faith

to a rocket i've been tied
i'm ready for that screamin' ride
it's full of fuel but i've just lit the fuse
i'm a ragin' burnin' ring of fire
and i get hotter as i get higher
and i'm tearin' a hole right through the sky of blue

(bridge repeat. really awesome backing vocals from john rich and harmonies so gorgeous between john kenny and big rich that it brings tears to my eyes....)

sigh. and there is a wee bit of an introduction to the world of big and rich. but, far more seriously is the fact that, yes, on thursday morning i am going to be gone, out of this stratosphere, jetting my way to minneapolis-st. paul and then onward to london gatwick. at the moment i'm bouncing between apathy and excitement. it's this sort of apathy with a bit of subtle interest laced through it: "oh. oxford? hmm, how interesting. perhaps i'll go shopping tomorrow for a turtleneck or two." or, on the other extreme, there's this fascination, this hunger and need to learn and see and observe: "the tate modern! classical concerts! elizabethan music! shakespeare's globe theatre! big ben and the tower of london and the harry potter dining hall!" and then, far in the recesses of my mind, in a dark corner that i'm trying my hardest to not even think of, is the fear and the sadness and the anxiety, the well-spring of emotions that fill me when i gaze at my beautiful grey and white cat, curled asleep peacefully on my bed, or when i go into the family room to see the 'rents watching tv, or when i run upstairs to chat with my sister, or when i simply sit in my room and just think. i have never left my home, my cocoon, my little safety net of pacifica and my parents' loving arms. and i know that even though i'm gone, their love and such will still be with me, but still. i mean, i've been sick for over two weeks, and i'm just now getting better, but if it happens again while i'm away, who will be there to care for me? who will be there to bring me chicken soup in bed, or to cook me up some awesome asian egg drop soup with prawns and chinese greens, or to double-check that i'm taking my medication and to run out to the store, unexpectedly, and buy me my much needed sudafed? and in the end, i know that i need to know that i'll be able to care for myself, and to know that there will be people there watching out for me, and that i am not truly alone or even on my own. and that, i think, makes me feel a little better. of course, i'm the girl who's suddenly all into the idea of going to the east coast for graduate school, and, well... maybe it's time for me to learn how to spread my wings and gain a wee bit more independence than i'm used to.

coats and jackets have been packed in the suitcase. check. i just threw in my folded stacks of sweaters, trousers, jeans, tees, and pj bottoms, just for kicks, and tried to lift the suitcase. just as i suspected. completely impossible, and clearly weighing more than fifty pounds. alas. now i must find new ways to pack my essentials and still make it to london without incurring those ugly overweight shipping fees. should be a joyous exercise, full of loads of laughs. arrrgh.... still so much left to do: money to be exchanged, things to be returned, shoes to be repaired, books to return to the USF library (ooops), thank you letters to write, oh, and a family to spend some last minute bonding time with. wow. that's... that's a lot. sigh. perhaps i should get started...