to a rocket i've been tied/i'm ready for that screamin' ride...

barely even two days left before i leave home for god know's what, and i'm in my room packing. i've been blissfully trying to ignore most everything still left to do to prepare, but... sigh. five o'clock came and i figured i should start doing something, so here i am, putting all of my coats into my borrowed suitcase from my grandfather and wondering if everything will fit. and as i'm sitting and folding, pulling sweaters and shirts and such from the clean clothes basket that i've finally fished out of the garage after a week of sitting in there, big and rich pop up onto my itunes and start blaring their country loveliness. only today there are no twanging fiddles and proclaimations to 'save a horse, ride a cowboy.' no, at this moment 'leap of faith' pops up, and now i can't stop listening to it because it's so bloody perfect. let's start a bit of a line-by-line analysis.

i put myself on a limb
and i feel it giving way from the weight of the rain.
if i break or i bend
i get myself together again
put my face to the wind

(i am sitting in a precarious position, preparing for a situation and an experience that i know virtually nothing about. i am walking straight into a black hole, it seems; i may succeed or i may fail, but either way, i'm diving into it head-on)

it might be a long, long way
to my golden day
that's a chance i'm willing to take
there's no chain, no cage
that i won't break
in this long, long leap of faith

(hard work and difficult times may lay ahead of me but there is truly nothing that can hold me back from achieving success because i will fight my way to get to it. and there's no way that any one can try and cage me in their little boxes, because no matter what, i will prove them wrong)

i close my eyes
and i walk right to the edge
throw my hands to the sky
oh, and i'm not afraid
i'm not afraid to live this life
through my dreaming eyes

(my dreams are everything. i have dreamt of this trip for years now, literally. as soon as i was accepted to usf i started sketching out a tentative schedule of courses to make sure that i would have at least a semester set aside to run the english countryside... and here i am, practicall there)

it might be a long, long way
to my golden day
that's a chance i'm willing to take
there's no chain, no cage
that i won't break
in this long, long leap of faith

to a rocket i've been tied
i'm ready for that screamin' ride
it's full of fuel but i've just lit the fuse
i'm a ragin', burnin' ring of fire
and i get hotter as i get higher
and i'm tearin' a hole right through the sky of blue

(and here john and kenny move me to tears with their impassioned fervor. i'm getting ready to take off on a rocket that might explode with me on the back of it, but baby, i am going to fly far and fly high, 'cause that's just my way...)

(cue screaming electric guitars and a bit of twanginess)

no, there's no chain, no cage
that i won't break
in this long, long leap of faith
in this long, long leap of faith

to a rocket i've been tied
i'm ready for that screamin' ride
it's full of fuel but i've just lit the fuse
i'm a ragin' burnin' ring of fire
and i get hotter as i get higher
and i'm tearin' a hole right through the sky of blue

(bridge repeat. really awesome backing vocals from john rich and harmonies so gorgeous between john kenny and big rich that it brings tears to my eyes....)

sigh. and there is a wee bit of an introduction to the world of big and rich. but, far more seriously is the fact that, yes, on thursday morning i am going to be gone, out of this stratosphere, jetting my way to minneapolis-st. paul and then onward to london gatwick. at the moment i'm bouncing between apathy and excitement. it's this sort of apathy with a bit of subtle interest laced through it: "oh. oxford? hmm, how interesting. perhaps i'll go shopping tomorrow for a turtleneck or two." or, on the other extreme, there's this fascination, this hunger and need to learn and see and observe: "the tate modern! classical concerts! elizabethan music! shakespeare's globe theatre! big ben and the tower of london and the harry potter dining hall!" and then, far in the recesses of my mind, in a dark corner that i'm trying my hardest to not even think of, is the fear and the sadness and the anxiety, the well-spring of emotions that fill me when i gaze at my beautiful grey and white cat, curled asleep peacefully on my bed, or when i go into the family room to see the 'rents watching tv, or when i run upstairs to chat with my sister, or when i simply sit in my room and just think. i have never left my home, my cocoon, my little safety net of pacifica and my parents' loving arms. and i know that even though i'm gone, their love and such will still be with me, but still. i mean, i've been sick for over two weeks, and i'm just now getting better, but if it happens again while i'm away, who will be there to care for me? who will be there to bring me chicken soup in bed, or to cook me up some awesome asian egg drop soup with prawns and chinese greens, or to double-check that i'm taking my medication and to run out to the store, unexpectedly, and buy me my much needed sudafed? and in the end, i know that i need to know that i'll be able to care for myself, and to know that there will be people there watching out for me, and that i am not truly alone or even on my own. and that, i think, makes me feel a little better. of course, i'm the girl who's suddenly all into the idea of going to the east coast for graduate school, and, well... maybe it's time for me to learn how to spread my wings and gain a wee bit more independence than i'm used to.

coats and jackets have been packed in the suitcase. check. i just threw in my folded stacks of sweaters, trousers, jeans, tees, and pj bottoms, just for kicks, and tried to lift the suitcase. just as i suspected. completely impossible, and clearly weighing more than fifty pounds. alas. now i must find new ways to pack my essentials and still make it to london without incurring those ugly overweight shipping fees. should be a joyous exercise, full of loads of laughs. arrrgh.... still so much left to do: money to be exchanged, things to be returned, shoes to be repaired, books to return to the USF library (ooops), thank you letters to write, oh, and a family to spend some last minute bonding time with. wow. that's... that's a lot. sigh. perhaps i should get started...